finishing that symphony

Bangs are a good look for me

Don't ask why, ask why not

Hey, it's Ali again. A day later (a record?)

Anyway, it is my duty as a faithful person and blogger to say exactly what's on my mind, both the good and the bad.

Honestly, right now, I'm scared to death.

I visited Fordham today, and I really, really liked it. I could picture myself there. I could identify with the students I talked to, and I finally, finally, finally became excited about a school. And yet, I feel like I drank a bottle of condensed shadows. Not delish, I regret to announce.

All of my fears are emerging, which I guess is the natural reaction when one comes close to making a serious decision. What if it's just like high school since a lot of my classmates are likely to go there? What if I can't gain the freedom to establish my identity? What if it's too close to home? What if I can't make it in New York City?

So many questions, so little answers. So many fears, and so little ground for stability. So many insecurities bubbling to the surface again.

Part of being 18-year-old Ali is learning to move on and call it a day, knowing that each new sunrise brings a new mindset, new opportunities, and a completely new world. We are constantly born again; memory is a device that should be taken with a grain of salt, to help, not hinder, the being.

I am Alexandra Catherine "Ali" "Ali G" "Alex" "Kiki" "Zeliah" fucking G. And I got this.

unfinished symphony

That was a day of quintessential YOLO

In my basement. Listening to the live stream of SBTRKT at Coachella. Legs bare emerging from last year's jean shorts, last Hanukkah's blanket covering my hunched back. Orange-painted fingers typing silver laptop keys. You are here. This is exactly where the peeling red-dot sticker on the mall map is. If you were wondering, this is where my body is. Now for my head.

This has been an amazing, transformative spring break so far. Hell, there's only one day left, but I'm saying "so far." If there's anything I've learned in the past week, it's that literally every moment exists. I can taste the small eternities again. I used to stare at the clock, challenging it to move to the next minute. I became skilled at that staring-contest game. I would stare, and I would always win. Winning is losing. I would always lose.

I spent today relaxing. Not sleeping, but feeling. Not in a self-induced coma, blocking everything out, but next to a shattered window, letting everything in. Breathing. Ready to take on the world again.

I'm visiting Fordham tomorrow. Did you know that Poe played cards with the Jesuits there? I'm getting great vibes, but we'll see. I'm excited. I'm the one sending out the decision letters now. Suck it suited snarkies.

I'm 18 now. It actually feels different. I feel like I'm only beginning to come into my own. But it's happening. I dyed the inside of my hair purple fading into pink. I went on a shopping spree with my brother and primarily bought clothes that would get me kicked out of school. Crop tops and short shorts. Patterned shades and wispy dresses.

I got my bellybutton pierced. Went with my friend, signed all the legal forms myself. No cosigners. No regrets. Beautiful milestone.

This week gave me the chance to be the person I want to be again. The gift that keeps on giving. The gift that will never end. In another life, I may have said "despite it all, this was a good birthday." In this life, my life, I say that this was an amazing birthday. Kickass birthday. And now it's time to do work, as Big Black would say. I can't help but smile, because that's all I ever wanted.

And now I will fall asleep to Radiohead. Sweeter than a thunderstorm.