this is your brain on nighttime

"versatile" may just be my new favorite euphemism for "lost."


you are the dark place in my mind
the corner I revert to when my synapses sink in time
crush me and caution me and garnish me with your care
planning dyed hair is a strange affair
an affair that's never a thought, but a symptom
pull the knife out of your back while I play the victim
are you tracing your feelings, reasons, meanings with a blade?
miles of Niles in your system left to untangle in the shade
of a chemical, hereditary, primary reaction-function
truths dripping from the salty-sweet eyedropper venom
of your eyes veins eyes veins eyes veins eyes
lies brain wise brain tries brain, synthesized
Synth is a religion and nightclub floors are the pews
bass is the gospel and flashing lights are the hues
that currently color in the skeletons of blueprints
you drew for your dreams, defined old reality with
tongues in others' lungs doesn't make for an answer
but I hear your prayer, girl, and I echo your seance
bodies twisting in rhythm with anyone who will feel us
people sweat and Ciroc are all liquids, what's the difference
searching for a Fountain of Amnesia to heal us

checking in once more

I should really, really, really, really be sleeping right now. And I should really not be straightening my hair and painting my nails glitter pink instead of finishing my homework. And I should really not be using electronic devices next to my bathroom sink.

I should also really, really, really be getting a job.

I'm on it, I swear.

Anyway, there's a few thoughts I want to jot before I continue my strange nocturnal crusade.

I have really big dreams. But I wouldn't call them "dreams" as much as magnetic needs to achieve certain goals. Really, I have no choice in the matter. I need my dreams like my stomach needs food. It's just another natural chemical reaction.

Be right back, I'm going to make a mud mask. I really, really shouldn't be doing that.

And I'm back, looking like an odd female euphemism of Bear Grylls. Sweet, can't wait to look like the sexiest zombie alive (dead? hah) tomorrow morning.

Okay, back to dreams. I'm a super driven person, and I question everything I see. I strive for answers, and I strive to be a creator. I strive to be an illuminator and a helper.

Case-in-point: in college, I hope that I will have the resources and the skills to begin to answer some of the questions that safely inhabit my mind. I've noticed that depending on which means of writing I choose, my writing, style, and thoughts are different. Blogger is different from Tumblr, and my school notebook is different from my journal, and a hotel napkin is different from my hand. As means of writing changed throughout the ages and through technological innovation, has it shaped writing style and thoughts? Much like  "newspeak" affected peoples' thoughts in Orwell's 1984, does the means of writing itself shape our thought process? How does audience (as with websites blogs, public areas) play a part? I hope to do a psychological study on this one day in college.

This is all I can manage now without falling asleep with my oh-so-attractive earth clay mask cemented to my face. Goodnight world. Eagerly awaiting everything, struggling to savor everything.

checking in

Doing a project about Rastafari (it's not an -isim, mind you) shirtless at 3AM, listening to Strangeland and sipping my now lukewarm jasmine oolong. It's a strange but quite nice place to be. Microcosmic.

finishing that symphony

Bangs are a good look for me

Don't ask why, ask why not

Hey, it's Ali again. A day later (a record?)

Anyway, it is my duty as a faithful person and blogger to say exactly what's on my mind, both the good and the bad.

Honestly, right now, I'm scared to death.

I visited Fordham today, and I really, really liked it. I could picture myself there. I could identify with the students I talked to, and I finally, finally, finally became excited about a school. And yet, I feel like I drank a bottle of condensed shadows. Not delish, I regret to announce.

All of my fears are emerging, which I guess is the natural reaction when one comes close to making a serious decision. What if it's just like high school since a lot of my classmates are likely to go there? What if I can't gain the freedom to establish my identity? What if it's too close to home? What if I can't make it in New York City?

So many questions, so little answers. So many fears, and so little ground for stability. So many insecurities bubbling to the surface again.

Part of being 18-year-old Ali is learning to move on and call it a day, knowing that each new sunrise brings a new mindset, new opportunities, and a completely new world. We are constantly born again; memory is a device that should be taken with a grain of salt, to help, not hinder, the being.

I am Alexandra Catherine "Ali" "Ali G" "Alex" "Kiki" "Zeliah" fucking G. And I got this.

unfinished symphony

That was a day of quintessential YOLO

In my basement. Listening to the live stream of SBTRKT at Coachella. Legs bare emerging from last year's jean shorts, last Hanukkah's blanket covering my hunched back. Orange-painted fingers typing silver laptop keys. You are here. This is exactly where the peeling red-dot sticker on the mall map is. If you were wondering, this is where my body is. Now for my head.

This has been an amazing, transformative spring break so far. Hell, there's only one day left, but I'm saying "so far." If there's anything I've learned in the past week, it's that literally every moment exists. I can taste the small eternities again. I used to stare at the clock, challenging it to move to the next minute. I became skilled at that staring-contest game. I would stare, and I would always win. Winning is losing. I would always lose.

I spent today relaxing. Not sleeping, but feeling. Not in a self-induced coma, blocking everything out, but next to a shattered window, letting everything in. Breathing. Ready to take on the world again.

I'm visiting Fordham tomorrow. Did you know that Poe played cards with the Jesuits there? I'm getting great vibes, but we'll see. I'm excited. I'm the one sending out the decision letters now. Suck it suited snarkies.

I'm 18 now. It actually feels different. I feel like I'm only beginning to come into my own. But it's happening. I dyed the inside of my hair purple fading into pink. I went on a shopping spree with my brother and primarily bought clothes that would get me kicked out of school. Crop tops and short shorts. Patterned shades and wispy dresses.

I got my bellybutton pierced. Went with my friend, signed all the legal forms myself. No cosigners. No regrets. Beautiful milestone.

This week gave me the chance to be the person I want to be again. The gift that keeps on giving. The gift that will never end. In another life, I may have said "despite it all, this was a good birthday." In this life, my life, I say that this was an amazing birthday. Kickass birthday. And now it's time to do work, as Big Black would say. I can't help but smile, because that's all I ever wanted.

And now I will fall asleep to Radiohead. Sweeter than a thunderstorm.

hey, it's ali

Well, it's happened again. And again. And again; I'm pulling an all-nighter. The term itself makes me nauseous, not just because of the laundry-list of terrible associations I can pull from my recent memory, but really, "pull an all-nighter?" Really? It just sounds so dated, and completely removed from the complex reality of the activity. At least in my case. Actually, probably only in my case.

Anyway, it's 5AM; do you know where your mind is? Mine's dodging at Nascar speeds between accounting homework, a poetry essay, how I'm ruining everyone's lives, and how I'm wasting my life away (and not even in the cool acid-and-vodka way). I wish that I had senioritis. I am actually quite pathetic.

Late hours mixed with school stress mixed with social anxiety creates a very interestingly-colored explosion. And by explosion, I mean a mess of a 17-year-old girl who spends hours basically chained to her laptop, watching the sun rise and set out the window as she eats her fifth bag of Goldfish and loosens the drawstring on her sweatpants.

Okay, that's a little melodramatic. But it's actually closer to reality than I enjoy admitting. That's where I am right now, and as per habit, I landed upon this blog whilst evading everything, and realized that it's been a little while since we last spoke. So here are some updates and musings.

• I got into college. So I will definitely be going somewhere (yay!) So far, I got into St. Joseph's with Honors, Marist, UDel, and Emerson. I'm still slightly bitter from Fordham deferring me, and I'm still quite elated from Brown deferring me. So I guess that the universe balances itself out quite nicely.
• I passed the editor-in-chief torch. I never imagined that I would be editor-in-chief of anything, let alone the one that helps decide the next generation of chief. It was super surreal going through the process, and I can honestly say that it was one of the most difficult decisions I had to make. It was great working with both of them this year, and I feel beyond ecstatic that I will leave the paper in the hands of such great writers. And people.
• Maybe I will try modeling? hahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahah hahahhahahha. Ha. Well. Really, I'm not conceited. I am overly self-deprecating and quite self-conscious. But after the umpteenth time my parents have mentioned it (you were born with dem legs! You can be a smart model) and random various comments from random various people, I've come to the realization that it may be an okay idea, for random various reasons. 1) It will force me to actually take care of myself 2) I want to write about it. What it's like to try, what the people are like. I want to write a fucking expose . 3) I'm doing my late poetry essay, and I discovered that Anne Sexton and Sylvia Plath did it. They also committed suicide, but let's conveniently forget about that part for now.
• I really, really, a million times really miss dance. Seriously, it's becoming a certifiable problem. I randomly burst out into dance. Recently, while writing an essay in my kitchen, I started playing "Gucci, Gucci" by Kreayshawn and dancing in front of my microwave. It's becoming difficult to control. I never realized how much dance is a part of me until it dissolved from my life this year. Baby, come back to me.

There's a lot more I could say, but I am far too behind and sleep deprived and pathetic to defer my time any longer. I will try to be more faithful (and coherent) with updates, and hopefully the next post will find me in a better overall state of being.

identity crisis

"I can't go back to yesterday, I was a different person then."

-Lewis Carroll

"More and more, it feels like I'm doing a really bad impersonation of myself."

-Chuck Palahniuk

"Get over yourself, Ali."

-Me

I am Alice in Wonderland, with none of the trippy hookups. I was a child, reading a book under a willow tree and daydreaming (swap the prim blue dress with a neon green tank top/Bullhead shorts. Let's be realistic here), when I spotted a white rabbit (oh hi Buttercup. **conspiracy theory alert**).

Curious, I followed that tiny, dodgy fuzzball to a rabbit hole. It was deathly dark, seemingly infinite, and probably dirty, but I swan-dived in before I took my next breath. That rabbit hole is high school, and I've been falling ever since.

You know, it's easy to "be yourself" when you just live and let live. At this point in my life, though, I find it difficult to live without thinking, breathe without watching, or see without analyzing. Maybe it's a psychosis, but I'm sort of confident that's it's a part of being a teenager. We need to be hyper-emotional and hyper-sensitive in order to soak in everything and form ourselves into the sparkling young adults we're destined to become.

Whoever decided that making us self-conscious at the first major turning point of our lives must have been smoking a little too much hookah.

And whoever decided that Facebook is healthy for the teenage mind is also twisted.

But that's another story.

Basically, I'm not sure who I am anymore. I find myself getting sourly nostalgic, looking through old photographs and writing in a desperate search to remember who I am. The truth is, I'm shell-shocked. Admittedly, high school started out sort of slow for me. Forever, I've heard that "EVERYTHING CHANGES IN HIGH SCHOOL," and "YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAAAAME," but I just smiled as I put on the pair of jeans that fit me since middle school.

But here I am, a senior, and I got sucked in a tornado of change. I've gone from a size nonexistent in jeans to a size 4. I'm almost 5'10", and it's still so new to me that I hit my head on the shower on the way out. My brother went to college, so I'm the only child in the house. I went on my first date (I think?), I got my first piercing, I've lost my best friends, and I've experienced my first true heartbreak. I've gone through 4 years worth of changes within the span of a few months. Always the efficient one.

My house doesn't look the same. I don't look the same. I certainly don't feel the same. I look in the mirror, and I don't know who it is anymore.

But I've come to the classy conclusion that honestly, I don't give a fuck.

I'm still essentially "me," in an endless amount of ways. But I've also changed a lot, and I'm still in the process of changing. The truth is, life is a process of changing. We are never the same person today as we were yesterday. I've found that identities, instead of being liberating, are often confining. You tell yourself that you're a certain way so much that you dutifully play the part. You're left going through the motions, and you become a shell that forces smiles and battles so, so many suppressed thoughts.

Just let go.

People aren't stagnant. We're fluid. We're mostly water; even our biology agrees. Scribble outside your outline. Limits are man-made. Self-image is suicide.

If you live outside of the concept of yourself, if you actually listen to your own rhythms, you will find that you are so, so much more than you ever would have thought.

Also, don't be an enforcer of images, and don't be a judgmental skank. The people that claim that they "don't judge" are often the worst offenders. What is judging, by the way? It's telling somebody who they are, reminding them how they are supposed to act, and ridiculing unexpected behavior.

"Lyke lol yu cursed??!!111! I wuld never exp3ct dat frum yeww!?!"
Have you never cursed before? How am I any different from you, or any other teenager ever? Oh, I gotcha. I'm three months younger than you, that must be it. Baby Ali better respect her elders.

"Omg LOL yu said sex!! Nd yu read novelz tht rnt dr seuss nd dat have sex in dem nd yu make dirty jokeszz hehahh this is sew not yu, yu werr nvr this way in elemntry omg!!"

Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sorry, should have gave you a seizure warning before listing off such shocking words. Don't die, please. But if you're feeling faint, let me know. I can drive you to the hospital in the car I own and that I'm legally old enough to drive and oh by the way sex.

"hehehhahehehe LOL wut r u gnna do wit ur date, read lolatrolakrololaol!!1!! im clvr!1! and kewl and sew maturr!11"

First off, what I do is none of your business and should be none of your concern. How far you've went with a guy doesn't make you any more mature or more of an adult. And maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I don't see dating etc etc etc as a "right of passage" to be "cool" or "mature." My relationships actually mean something to me. And yeah, we might read. After roundhouse-kicking you to the face.

People do this all the time, and they don't even realize it. I've definitely been guilty, but now I'm more aware of how annoying and damaging judging actually is. We need to take people as they are, not as they were in elementary school, middle school, or even yesterday. We need to actually have the audacity to listen to their thoughts now, where their mind and heart is now, instead of telling them they're wrong and that they're actually a different person. This is offensive, and this kills one's sense of freedom.

This is one of the reasons I feel like I'm suffocating. I've been living in the same town and going to school with the same people for my whole life. We've all already made our judgments of each other, and we're too ignorant to realize that none of us are the same as we used to be. Society claims to be more understanding than ever, but we never actually listen to each other.

And I had to let this all out, or else I would explode in a ball of nerves.

I feel quite good, but it's 3:20AM, and I didn't start my homework yet.

Fyeah teen angst.